Battling with my monster, (Mike) is an everyday war. But when the holidays come around and their are get togethers, and out-of-towners visiting, Mike seems to get super restless. The anxiousness doubles, and the worried, stressed thoughts seem to bring on a wave of depression that is unlike anything I feel throughout the rest of the year. I don’t know what or why it is either. I have a perfectly good life with little hardship and a semi-supportive family.
I think it’s Mike getting into my head. I look at Thanksgiving and think about what a great get together it was. But then I hear my brother and sister-in-law have had their own get together and I didn’t get invited. Nor did I get invited to the Hannukkah dinner, or the open-house my brother is throwing next Saturday. My mother says to not take it personally…but Mike takes it personally and feeds the depression with this knowledge. It takes the “love” and turns it into hatred and bitter feelings. Something is wrong with way of think and I know that, but I can’t help it either.
So now I feel stuck. Silenced. I don’t want to complain out loud because I hate it when I hear my Grandmother complaining about stupid things. I sit with Mike in my ear, in my arms, in my belly… crawling, scratching, racing within me. I’ve been trying to occupy myself with making Christmas gifts to family members, since I don’t like to spend a lot of money on things that I can usually make anyway. But then as I’m doing them, Mike whispers, “Why do you make things for these people that don’t even invite you out, or show you they love you as an individual, instead of something that tags along with the parents.”
I want the holidays to be over before they even truly begin…. but then their is my fucking birthday. Here is comes, January 6th. I tried to tell my family that I didn’t want to celebrate my birthday because of the bad memories associated with adoption, so I changed it to the adoption date of July 15th. They, of course, forgot. Even with constant reminders, they forgot. So now it’s back to Jan 6th, and one day someone will find my dead body on this date and everyone will ask “WHY?!” and “I don’t understand!” Of course you don’t understand… Mike does.