My one man picket line wasn’t working…

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So I ended up getting a job. I get a job the same way every time…. late at night, usually drunk and answering ad’s on Craigslist. I will never get a job by trying really hard and being determined. Never works. So I guess I have a system. Anyways… I got a frickin’ job doing something that I thought was up there with unicorns and free alcohol, and that’s sitting in a comfy chair making more money than I ever have working my butt off for minimum wage. All I have to do is answer phone calls from angry, horny old men saying they want help with there online dating profile! I KNOW!!! My first question in the interview was, “And your actually gonna PAY me for this?!” I would do this for fun! So now I go to an office around 11am, goof off and eat free donuts and coffee, answer the occasional phone call, and go home by 6pm, Monday through Friday. I think I am in love! Finally! A lazy drunks dream job!! I am really proud of myself…. for really no reason.

Love (Sex) Addiction!

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An addictive personality can get hooked on pretty much anything. I have one, and I find it to be a sickness because I don’t WANT to be hooked on something to the point where I am struggling for control. Well, It happened again last saturday, I got hooked on man that simply held a polite conversation with me while outside smoking.

I simply cannot stop thinking about him! Maybe it is because I got nervous about where our conversations where leading, and left without saying good-bye. Just disappeared like a complete dick! I hate it when people do that to me and I am not normally like that, but I had two guy friends with me that got over-protective and practically dragged me out on my heels. 

His name was Jason. We met outside a bar I have never been to before, and he politely lit my ciggarette and introduced himself. We started talking about motorcycles, and thats when I noticed he was in a motorcycle club in my valley, and he showed me his Harley “Fatbob” and I think thats where I fell in love. We talked about vacation spots and where he worked, and I got to know him pretty well. We would go back inside and watch for one another to leave again to go smoke. We started flirting, light touching or poking. After a couple of hours he started to ask about going home situation and maybe I’d like to go for a ride. Come take a walk with me just down this alley. I’m a smart woman but I wanted, NEEDED, to go with him, against all common sense. My friend came out and pulled me back inside. Then I thought twice and started to get nervous. This guys big, and in a gang… I have nothing to offer for long term. So I ditched, not wanting to get used and thrown away.

Three days later, and he has consumed my mind, and every waking thought, and every good dream and bad nightmare. I’m turned on by my thoughts of him, I need to find my way back to the danger zone. So I am going back to this dingy bar next saturday, in hopes of his return. I can’t help myself… I have to know! It has to be released! If he doesn’t show up… Great! Then I’ll know he didn’t give it a second thought and I am just bat-shit crazy. I know I sound insane. I only spent 4 hours there and probably only and hour of that time was spent near him. Less even! 

I am addicted… and I need my fix.

Depression VS. Laziness

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I haven’t written in awhile so I figured I should get some stuff out. I… do not have a job, currently. Because of this, I live with my parents, I am the only person in the world without a cell phone, my car insurance lapsed so now I can’t technically drive, and my license to practice in a hospital is coming due to re-new in the next couple weeks. I know I should get on this situation and rectify it, but for the life of me…. I can’t. I am content with going to bed at 2am and waking up at noon, making breakfast and watching tv all day. I don’t think or feel when I am watching tv, and that is good! I am only slightly bothered when a friend is having a get together and I can’t attend because of lack of car and money. I get over it quickly however, once I think about touching other people, having to get dressed and put on stupid makeup, and going anywhere unfamiliar gets me all worked up and nervous anyways.

I have to argue both points of D. VS. L.

Depression:  a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason. One stuck in a state or emotion without fluctuation.

Laziness: averse or disinclined to work, activity, or exertion; indolent, Sluggish. Without want or desire to move in a certain motion or direction.

So, If it is an emotional dejection and withdrawal that is causing the disinclination to work and be productive, then could it be both? I don’t want to see someone professional about it, I just want my mother to understand that not everything is black and white. I really don’t know how to fix this or even if I want to.

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Drunken Ramblings

Listen, or read… whatever. I know I am drunk and sitting in the dark right now. I know. But what you don’t know is right now…… I am totally not depressed and “Mike” is no where to be felt or heard at the fucking moment. WHICH IS A GOD SEND! I am tired of that little fucker. I know, I made him up. I know he is an imaginary monster that dwells within me but hes real real to me!

I also find your blogs easier to read through when you have the paragraphs short and sweet. I should do this more.

Anyway… I am drinking vodka, strawberry flavored syrup, and ginger-ale. I am calling this magnificent drink THE RED-HEADED RUSSIAN. It pretty good… just the leftovers from the christmas party. Which SUCKED! Nobody came. Fuck them.

I am soooo in love with Aerosmith right now! God damn that man can sing!! 

I think I wanna be drunk and in the dark forever. This is awesome… Now I get why clubs are popular. Its the mentality of darkness and booze. You should try it sometime.

Time to make another drink…. Peace bitches! Love to ya motha.

Happy Birth-day to (sob) meee…

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Well tomorrow is my birthday and as usual… I am out of my mind with emotions. I WANT to hide, I WANT to scream, I WANT to cry, but most of all, I WANT to be happy.

January 2nd, my first Nephew, Simon Pine was born. Two months early… he is a whooping 4 pounds 11 ounces and doing okay for a baby that little. I can’t hold him yet. Super proud of my brother though. His mother, my sister-in-law, unfortunately shares the same birthday as I do. So the one day where I get to do whatever I want, and people look at me and want to do something for me, is now marred and shadowed by her. Everyone now says, “Get outta bed and stop feeling sorry for yourself, It’s “her” birthday! We gotta go celebrate it!” Yep… HER birthday. I get ignored 364 out of the year, and I am fine with being a wallflower most of the time. But when I get one day, just ONE DAY, to do whatever I want, it should be a selfish day! I have no problem with the baby’s birthday. It will be fun to put all the attention on a growing child. I just have a problem with her. Get your own fucking birthday!

So i’ll go buy a cupcake and sit in the dark with a bottle of vodka. My internal mind nymph, Mike, fucking loves this idea. He’s been so restless these past few days, racing up and down my arms and hip-hop dancing in the pit of my stomach. I hate that so much, so I quell him with alcohol and pills. Helps me get enough sleep at least.

A morning, in my head…

BBBZzzzzzz….. click! Oh, son-of-a… I can’t believe I am once again opening my eyes and doing this again! Nooooo! Uughh …. Gotta pee. Gotta PEE! Shit that hurts, my ankles are always stiff in the morning…. lalalalaaa, COLD!AHHH!! Toilet seats need to evolve. Hi Puppy! Puppy puppy puppy. Dog needs food… *sigh* This is not general affection, this is, “I need my morning food, human.” Stupid dog. This dog food smells disgusting. At least she likes it. I am gonna slip and bleed out on this fucking tile floor! Now what? FUUUUCK….. stupid cheating asshole bastard last night got FUCKING CAUGHT! HA! I saw you fucker!!!! Whats for breakfast? Something chocolate? naaaa come on girl…. thats crazy, too early. Vodka?…. maybe. Whats a bloody mary and how do I make it? Ketchup? Why do they spell that stuff so many ways? I smell a fart but Im alone…. thats not me, is it? Cereal, then vodka. Whats on besides Lets Make A Deal and Soap Operas? When the hell was I watching CNN?! Crazy! My fingers are really stubby, like hobbit hands. Hi puppy! (Loveshack tune-) Butt-scratch puppppyyyyyyy! Butt scratch! puppy butt-scratch!….. Ooooo COPS is on! always, but it will never let you down! Whatcha gonna dooooooo? Whatcha gonna dooo when they come for youuu, bad boys bad boys! Hahaha. All suspects are innocent until proven guilty, INA COURTA LAWW! Yeah right! This always makes me feel better about my life……………….. ……………. ………… ……. …. .. .

F**K Resolutions… Try RENOUNCEMENTS!

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YAY! Pat yourselves on the back! We have totally made it through the holidays and now we are staring down a new, upcoming year.Image

 

This picture says it all. New year, new me is all crap. We aspire to better ourselves and yet… we need an entire new year to do this?! NO! You’ve got it wrong, my friends! Thats what the weight loss companies WANT you to think! Its just like Hallmark on Valentines Day!! Instead of doing the conventional “Resolutions,” try making a RENOUNCEMENT! A Renouncement is merely a statement you make to yourself that says, “I’m tired of smelling different from the majority of the people I hang out with because they don’t smoke. Either I make some smoker friends, or I quit smoking!” I see it as giving yourself an option to do one or more things, giving you a less likely to fail by March statistic. I used to say, “My resolution is to lose 20 pounds by June.” That would set me up to fail every time because I would forget about my stupid resolution every time I shoved a Pop-Tart in my mouth. What makes a Renouncement easier is that I am not really setting goals, I just giving myself a way out. A way to slightly alter my way of thinking, which in turn, changes my habits.

This year, my Renouncement is to stop being so lazy! I reject this couch living! I renounce my dogs obesity! I dissolve the notion of eating breads 3 times a day! These things are evils in my life and I will cast them out!!

For me… I think it easier to have a negative frame of mind, rather than a positive one. That’s just the way it works in my case.

 

Oh, Shitty Day….

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A complete collapse in my faith in humanity is happening, and rather quickly at that. I hate everyone, everything, and see no point in holding it all in anymore. I don’t see good happening anywhere. This is supposed to be when people come together for the holidays but  I just can’t wait to get loaded in the back room all by myself. I sick of pretending like Christmas is sooo much fun when I’m the only one trying. Sure! Sit on your ass while I put up the very dangerous house lights. It fine! I’ll do all your baking since you’ve lost your will to live. Great! I’ll do all the shopping while you pretend to be super busy. Fuck you…. and your shitty holidays.

My dad asked me today, “Why do you always seem to be thinking of food? Food food food!” Because, asshole, In case you forgot… a couple years ago it was, “Drugs, drugs drugs!” I couldn’t wait to get a christmas present so that I could go return or pawn it for drug money and get reallly fucking high. Thanks though for your subtle commentary on my weight gain. Awesome chat, lets do this less often.

*SIGH* It’s just been shit like that, all day, every day. I just want March to come back. Maybe things will be better then.

Depression: Thy name is holidays

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Battling with my monster, (Mike) is an everyday war. But when the holidays come around and their are get togethers, and out-of-towners visiting, Mike seems to get super restless. The anxiousness doubles, and the worried, stressed thoughts seem to bring on a wave of depression that is unlike anything I feel throughout the rest of the year. I don’t know what or why it is either. I have a perfectly good life with little hardship and a semi-supportive family.

I think it’s Mike getting into my head. I look at Thanksgiving and think about what a great get together it was. But then I hear my brother and sister-in-law have had their own get together and I didn’t get invited. Nor did I get invited to the Hannukkah dinner, or the open-house my brother is throwing next Saturday. My mother says to not take it personally…but Mike takes it personally and feeds the depression with this knowledge. It takes the “love” and turns it into hatred and bitter feelings. Something is wrong with way of think and I know that, but I can’t help it either.

So now I feel stuck. Silenced. I don’t want to complain out loud because I hate it when I hear my Grandmother complaining about stupid things. I sit with Mike in my ear, in my arms, in my belly… crawling, scratching, racing within me. I’ve been trying to occupy myself with making Christmas gifts to family members, since I don’t like to spend a lot of money on things that I can usually make anyway. But then as I’m doing them, Mike whispers, “Why do you make things for these people that don’t even invite you out, or show you they love you as an individual, instead of something that tags along with the parents.”

I want the holidays to be over before they even truly begin…. but then their is my fucking birthday. Here is comes, January 6th. I tried to tell my family that I didn’t want to celebrate my birthday because of the bad memories associated with adoption, so I changed it to the adoption date of July 15th. They, of course, forgot. Even with constant reminders, they forgot. So now it’s back to Jan 6th, and one day someone will find my dead body on this date and everyone will ask “WHY?!” and “I don’t understand!” Of course you don’t understand… Mike does. 

Hope is a 4-letter word

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*Sigh*

Yet again, it seems, that my hopes have climbed up, only to be pushed off, tumbling backwards. I’m getting pretty sick of this feeling. Lemme explain…….

This Christmas, all I wanted, and have been wanting all year round, was the PGS Genetic home testing kit from the company 23andMe.  This thing is all-inclusive and could really answer some of the key questions I have about where I come from, and some of who I am. Even if I were to locate and meet face to face with my birth mother to ask her all the questions I have, she would not be able to answer any of them… because SHE is adopted also. That’s right, I am second generation dumpster-bastard. So this really makes the whole meet-and-greet a shallow experience that I would rather not get into. Fuck her, she had her chance and I’m not about to give her the satisfaction of redemption.

Anyway… The company started advertising and I got hooked on the idea that I could give them my spit, and they would give me a read-out of my genetic markers including ancestry, race, hereditary health risks, possible disease carrier status and more! Everything a God damn normal person takes for granted in their family history. Do you know how frustrating it is to fill out a form and under “Family History” or “Place of birth” to write unknown??? People read that and look at you funny.

NOW… The stupid FDA goes all, “Halt! Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars.” They are saying the company is in violation of their fancy codes and laws because the 23andme company did not send in their paperwork showing proof of how accurate its detection methods are, as well as supplying the error rates from its personal genome service (PGS). They are currently being urged to “immediately discontinue” the tests until further proof is supplied that these tests are accurate and not endangering the welfare and safety of the people using it…. blahh blahh blahh. ITS JUST GODDAMN PAPERWORK!!!!

Maybe I’m being selfish, I know. But this really crushed me. I had hope! Hope to find out who I am. I don’t know why I got my hopes up so high about this, because I have trained myself to not be hopeful about anything. I almost always find the negative side of everything, and if it ends up working out, then I am pleasantly surprised! If not… I’m okay, because I pretty much called it.

This whole thing just really ruined my holiday spirit. I don’t get the gift of knowing me.

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